out of the blue

I never cease to be amused by the antics of telemarketers. One particular thing that makes me smile every time I lay down the phone after a conversation with one of them is their confusion over the gender of my voice over the phone. Here's a conversation I had today, which is quite typical of a few of them I've had in the past.

Me: Hello?

Them: Hello. May I speak to Mr. Sullins?

Me: Ummm, he's not home right now.

Them: Is this Mrs. Sullins?

Me: Uh, no.

Them: Can you leave a message for Mr. Sullins that Comcast was trying to reach him?

Me: Sure.

Them: Thank you, ma'am.

I've had three or four of these conversations (in varying degrees of gender confusion — sometimes I'll get more male possibilities than female possibilities) since getting home, and they invariably end with "Thank you, ma'am." It's funny.

Guess what, everyone? Starting at 12:00 tonight (which really counts as tomorrow), there's a special situation going on:

EVERYTHING THAT YOU DO FOR ME IS WONDERFUL, AND EVERYTHING YOU GIVE ME IS A PRESENT!

"What?" I hear you crying, "This isn't possible!" I assure you that it is! Tomorrow is a very special day! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, in the early afternoon on June eithth of the year nineteen-hundred and eighty-six, a brilliant mind caught its first glimpse into the world, and the world got its first taste of me. Tomorrow is the nineteenth aniversary of that wonderful occasion. So, it is a global event! Yes, I'm opening tomorrow up for ANYONE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD to give me presents!

Because of the momentous importance of the events, I will be recording all things that happen as part of the festivities. This will later be posted, so that all of you can partake in a communal joy-of-giving session.

If shipping that brick of pure platinum to me takes too long to arranged by tomorrow, I'll be willing to update my thank you list later, as long as it is clearly marked with the text "Happy Birthday, Chris!", or some acceptible alternative.

A note on unwanted gifts: Everything tomorrow will be considered a gift, from piles of money to books to snails and even to pinches and the like. However, unacceptible "gifts" may be returned, with any additional penalties the transaction may incur.

For gift suggestions, go to Smurf's Wish List.

Neil Gaiman makes a complaint about American tea-murderers and urges us ignorantly-optimistic sods to take a look at the BBC ARTICLE concerning the brewing of a "perfect cup of tea".

Dr Andrew Stapley says: "For best results carry a heavy bag of shopping – or walk the dog – in cold, driving rain for at least half an hour beforehand. This will make the tea taste out of this world."

I'd like to refer you to an online publication, called The Paumanok Review. It comes out quarterly (Winter, Spring, Summer, Fall), and contains short (and shorter) stories, poetry, and essays. I came across it looking at a web design awards site, which means that the site design is really good. I don't yet have personal experience with the quality of the literature, but apparently some contributors have been nominated for quite prestigious prizes, so you might want to check it out. It is entirely free, and you can download a pdf of the book, or buy a paperback copy of the recent editions. The most interesting thing to me, besides the possibility of good literature, is that the site gets redesigned with every issue based on the feel of the submissions that are included in the issue. I think that's pretty awesome. (The Review is run on a submission basis, so you might even consider getting your name in there, you aspiring writers, you!)

In case you're wondering, here's a list of the contributors. You might recognize some of these names (even though I didn't).

Fiction: Nicolette Bethel, Ace Boggess, Zdravka Evtimova, Steven Gillis, Brian Howell, Nathan Leslie, David McGrath, David McLain, Eric Melbye, M. Lynx Qualey, Erich Roby Sysak

Poetry: Bob Bradshaw, Susan Culver, David Koehn, Rochelle Mass, Mario Susko, Emily Lloyd

Essay: Elisha Porat

For any of you artists, there's a pretty useful artist on DeviantArt who does a lot of good, simple tutorials.

cedarseed on deviantART

His tutorials:

• Guide to Drawing the Body
• Basic Animal Anatomy
• Color Theory
• Drawing the Horse
• Asian Dragons Tutorial
• Arabesque Made Easy part I
• Arabesque Made Easy part II

Some of these are more useful than others, and I would particularly point you to his "Guide to Drawing the Body". It's really nice, elegant, and contains a lot of information in very little space. Also, the Arabesque designs are really awesome.

Mother nature tried to kill me today. I never realized how much of a dirty fighter she is.

I strolled along the street, minding my own business, and I realized that an aura of evil pressed in on me from all sides. I had been being attacked for the last month, and I rarely even noticed. She was trying to soften me up for her final blow.

Some people think that spring and summer are the times of the greatest goodness, where the cycle of the year has come away from the cold and dim winter days, turning to the glorious sunshine and chirping birds of the summer months. They are mistaken. For in this misleading time of new birth and flowering plants, nature's oppression reaches a horrendous height. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the evil Duke of Allergies rules the world in these so-called "cheery times".

I had been resisting her attacks, without even resorting to medication but for once, so nature decided to send her minion out to take care of me. I knew nothing of her plot.

It was with a free and easy mind that I walked up onto the grassy, nature-infested field on the top of the powerline hill. Guilelessly I sat down upon the log, and without care brushed against the assorted plants surrounding me. Little did I know that they were the most dangerous thing on the hill besides myself that afternoon. Before 15 minutes had gone by, I began to feel the effects, beyond the everyday influences of the grasses. My arm began to take a ghastly look, covered in unseemly lumps. Small bumps covered my flesh, and began to spread.

You average man may have quailed and given up hope in that moment, but not me. I was too strong-willed, and I determined to show Nature that if she's going to try and take me out, she'd have to use more powerful forces. After a shower and some baking soda, I wasn't even feeling the effects of the dastardly poison; a few hours later the effects began to fade even from the eyes.

Yes, Nature. You failed. Next time send someone who can get the job done. A bolt of lightning, or a tornado. Soccer-ball sized hail might do it too. But anything less, and you're gonna lose! You hear me, MOTHER? BRING IT ON!

Seeing how popular my last journal was, I think I'm going to post one with a little bit more of a useful element.

I'm looking for new music. Music I'd like. Good music.

The problem is that it's hard for people to guess what sort of music you'd like. So, I'm going to give you a starting place. Here are some groups that I really like. I've got a pretty wide range of taste, I think.

• Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young (with variations)
• Queen
• Elliott Smith
• Electric Light Orchestra
• Elton John
• Billy Joel
• Simon & Garfunkel
• Belle & Sebastian
• Jack Johnson
• The Beatles
• Credence Clearwater Revival
• Flogging Molly

Okay, there's a start. If you have a song or a band I should listen to, post here. Tell me what the song or band is, and why you think I'd like them. If it's a band, point out a specific song or songs that you think I'd like.

I will now win every argument I ever get into! Yes!!!

( How to be persuasive )

I think Nathan will particularly appreciate this.

Yesterday (May 30) was the lovely Ann's birthday. For it, I painted a quick thing in Corel Painter, and when I showed it to other people, they said that it was very different from what I normally do. I agreed, but I think I'm going to show it off, and give Ann some more birthday publicity at the same time.

What do you think?